Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Bucketman
The other night on my way home from snagging tons of free loot from Walgreens, I passed the "cloaked man". I just call him that because he's this homeless guy who we see around all the time, and no matter how hot or cold it is, he covers himself head to toe in this big brown blanket. He simply holds up a sign that says "God Bless You". I saw him once during the day, and he was picking out aluminum cans from the trash outside our building. I have always loved him, but have always had the excuse of being too busy or afraid of not approaching him well, so I have never spoken to him. This particular night, I couldn't stand it anymore. I walked down the street with some of my loot, kind of as a peace offering. I hoped that would buy his friendship. It did:)
We sat on the median for hours, just talking. Actually, he did most of the talking. He kept telling me how lonely he is. I could see so much shame in his eyes. It's so funny, because anytime I try to talk to homeless individuals, they always seem to think they owe me some explanation for why they are on the street. I would be lying if I said I didn't ache to know their story, but I don't feel like they owe it to me. The cops finally came and yelled at us to get off the median. When we stood up, I guess they saw that I wasn't homeless like my new friend, Robert (or Bucketman, as he kept telling me to call him, lol) so they started hounding me for why I was talking to him. Because he's a human being. Then they started making fun of me and making horrible comments. Gee, I have no idea why people call them Pigs....
Robert told me all about his love life and about what he goes through daily. He sadly told me that he's jealous of me because I'm blessed by God and he's not. He said that I'm blessed and that it's obvious because I'm a happy wife and mommy. I hate that. I said that I'm lonely, too. That I question my faith, too. That people hate me, too. I never know what to say to people who are homeless. I really just like to listen mostly. My friends, Jess and Zac, live their lives serving those who are homeless. Several nights a week you will find them having their homeless friends over for dinner or driving around giving out dinner. I admire that so much.
Today we passed by a man who was trying to get money to get to San Diego. He said he'd fallen on hard times, lost his job, and was trying to get to CA, where his brother lived and would let him stay. I gave him our granola bar Izaih and I were about to split. We chatted for a few, and Izaih was eager to tell him all about how he was going to go to Kindergarten soon! After we drove off, Izaih had so many questions for why we give our food and water away to people. I love those teachable moments. They teach me, too. Put Others Before Yourself. Listen. Don't Judge. Be Nice. Love Everyone. Share.
In trying to teach these things to my son today, it occurred to me like a brick to the head that Jesus was homeless himself. He traveled around with his friends saying shocking things that didn't make sense to people. He didn't have a "job" or an income. He didn't have a family of His own. People were always being mean and passing judgment. The Pharisees and town officials were probably always kicking Him off the median. I bet Jesus would get along with Bucketman real well.
We sat on the median for hours, just talking. Actually, he did most of the talking. He kept telling me how lonely he is. I could see so much shame in his eyes. It's so funny, because anytime I try to talk to homeless individuals, they always seem to think they owe me some explanation for why they are on the street. I would be lying if I said I didn't ache to know their story, but I don't feel like they owe it to me. The cops finally came and yelled at us to get off the median. When we stood up, I guess they saw that I wasn't homeless like my new friend, Robert (or Bucketman, as he kept telling me to call him, lol) so they started hounding me for why I was talking to him. Because he's a human being. Then they started making fun of me and making horrible comments. Gee, I have no idea why people call them Pigs....
Robert told me all about his love life and about what he goes through daily. He sadly told me that he's jealous of me because I'm blessed by God and he's not. He said that I'm blessed and that it's obvious because I'm a happy wife and mommy. I hate that. I said that I'm lonely, too. That I question my faith, too. That people hate me, too. I never know what to say to people who are homeless. I really just like to listen mostly. My friends, Jess and Zac, live their lives serving those who are homeless. Several nights a week you will find them having their homeless friends over for dinner or driving around giving out dinner. I admire that so much.
Today we passed by a man who was trying to get money to get to San Diego. He said he'd fallen on hard times, lost his job, and was trying to get to CA, where his brother lived and would let him stay. I gave him our granola bar Izaih and I were about to split. We chatted for a few, and Izaih was eager to tell him all about how he was going to go to Kindergarten soon! After we drove off, Izaih had so many questions for why we give our food and water away to people. I love those teachable moments. They teach me, too. Put Others Before Yourself. Listen. Don't Judge. Be Nice. Love Everyone. Share.
In trying to teach these things to my son today, it occurred to me like a brick to the head that Jesus was homeless himself. He traveled around with his friends saying shocking things that didn't make sense to people. He didn't have a "job" or an income. He didn't have a family of His own. People were always being mean and passing judgment. The Pharisees and town officials were probably always kicking Him off the median. I bet Jesus would get along with Bucketman real well.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Weekend in Searcy
We headed to Searcy for the weekend to see my family. Lots of fun, as usual! Rosa-Mae is leaving for the Air Force in a month, and everyone is really sad:( We're very proud of her, though.
The Fam - minus Jonathan
What can I say? We have lots of fun at our house :)
The Fam - minus Jonathan
What can I say? We have lots of fun at our house :)Tuesday, March 17, 2009
FREE
If you sign up with Hautelook under my referral, they give you and I both a $10 credit. Then, for every person you get to sign up, they do the same. Let me know if you want to do it and I will send you the referral link. They have awesome clothes and other things! All Stila makeup is on sale right now, some under $10, so that means we get free Stila!
Monday, March 16, 2009
30, Come Quickly!
I have been really bad about posting pictures. I promise I will very soon!
Izaih and I are having a blast every day. He cuddles with me and says things like, "Thank you for keeping me safe, Mommy", and "Let's cuddle all day," and then I know that we made the right decision. He's a totally different kid. I can sleep at night now.
Right now we have a lot of hard things going on with Mark's family. It's nothing new, really. We are just emotionally exhausted anyways, so it's been a lot harder to deal with lately. A while back we outed the family secret in an attempt to keep a child safe. People get really nasty when their dirty secrets are exposed. Please pray for that situation. It's bad enough that only God can mend it at this point. I really don't want to sound dramatic, but we have been under a lot of attack. We've lost a lot of friends, support, and even our church over it, so we're pretty devastated. Some of Mark's family members have even been trying to convice Mark to leave me. I would love to say that we are not affected by it, but it is really hard to keep a marriage strong when you're constantly under all kinds of attack by people Satan is using to try to destroy you. That's just the honest truth here. We're learning the hard way that doing the right thing is hard and oftentimes reaps a lot of consequences. Luckily, we have Jesus who knows all about that, so in the really tough moments that is a comfort.
I keep hearing people say that your 20's are for being angry, and your 30's are for coming to peace and acceptance with your world's reality. Or something like that. I think I came out angry. Since I was a tiny little girl I remember always wanting to combat any injustices I saw. I always was a loudmouth, and I root for the underdog with a feirceness. It's made me a lot of enemies, and it makes people really hate me and turn against me when I call them out. Pride is a funny thing. I try to keep mine in check. I hope I do a good job at that. I guess I wouldn't know. That's what I mean about pride being a funny thing.
I am feeling a lot angrier than I ever really have, now that I'm in my 20's. I keep saying that I wish I didn't have the awareness and the insight that I do, because then I would be a WHOLE lot happier and less angry. My mom calls "bull" on me when I say that:) I feel like I'm always standing alone on injustices, and not even standing significantly. . .does that make any sense? I love my passion, but I really would trade it all in for being completely stupid and blind to anything negative or corrupt going on. One day my blog posts will be positive!
30, come quickly!
Izaih and I are having a blast every day. He cuddles with me and says things like, "Thank you for keeping me safe, Mommy", and "Let's cuddle all day," and then I know that we made the right decision. He's a totally different kid. I can sleep at night now.
Right now we have a lot of hard things going on with Mark's family. It's nothing new, really. We are just emotionally exhausted anyways, so it's been a lot harder to deal with lately. A while back we outed the family secret in an attempt to keep a child safe. People get really nasty when their dirty secrets are exposed. Please pray for that situation. It's bad enough that only God can mend it at this point. I really don't want to sound dramatic, but we have been under a lot of attack. We've lost a lot of friends, support, and even our church over it, so we're pretty devastated. Some of Mark's family members have even been trying to convice Mark to leave me. I would love to say that we are not affected by it, but it is really hard to keep a marriage strong when you're constantly under all kinds of attack by people Satan is using to try to destroy you. That's just the honest truth here. We're learning the hard way that doing the right thing is hard and oftentimes reaps a lot of consequences. Luckily, we have Jesus who knows all about that, so in the really tough moments that is a comfort.
I keep hearing people say that your 20's are for being angry, and your 30's are for coming to peace and acceptance with your world's reality. Or something like that. I think I came out angry. Since I was a tiny little girl I remember always wanting to combat any injustices I saw. I always was a loudmouth, and I root for the underdog with a feirceness. It's made me a lot of enemies, and it makes people really hate me and turn against me when I call them out. Pride is a funny thing. I try to keep mine in check. I hope I do a good job at that. I guess I wouldn't know. That's what I mean about pride being a funny thing.
I am feeling a lot angrier than I ever really have, now that I'm in my 20's. I keep saying that I wish I didn't have the awareness and the insight that I do, because then I would be a WHOLE lot happier and less angry. My mom calls "bull" on me when I say that:) I feel like I'm always standing alone on injustices, and not even standing significantly. . .does that make any sense? I love my passion, but I really would trade it all in for being completely stupid and blind to anything negative or corrupt going on. One day my blog posts will be positive!
30, come quickly!
Friday, March 13, 2009
He's HOME!!!!!!!
Praise the Lord! We got to bring Izaih home on Monday! We had a welcome home party for him and we all had a blast! Izaih is like a totally different kid now that he's all situated on meds. If we could have just gotten him on meds months ago, I am convinced that he would not have had to go through half or the horrible things he's been through. But things are looking very good now. He is so sweet, caring, and compassionate. Now he's able to communicate and talk to us about all sorts of things. It's seriously like we fast-forwarded through a year of development; there's that much of a difference in him now. He can work puzzles and sit still, and he'll even let me read to him. He even goes to bed and sleeps!!!!!!!! I am no longer on the "Putting kids on Ridilin is wrong" side of the argument. Izaih should be the poster child for Ridilin and the miracle it can be. Thank you God for whoever invented meth! :)
To make a long story short, Izaih (with his new ability think clearly and communicate) told us of some awful things one of his teachers at school has been doing, and we decided that enough was enough. I quit my job, we pulled Izaih out of school, and now I'm a stay-at-home Mommy! I have loved every minute of it. The teacher, however, kept blowing up my cell (I think because he wanted to sweet talk me into not telling on him....too late moron), and here's where I have to brag on Mark. Mark, my sweet, gentle, nonconfrontational, pacifist-of-a-hubby went up to the school, pulled BJ out, and told him not to have any more contact with us. And he even managed to say it diplomatically and with a handshake! I'm so very proud of him.
Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us and to those who have been so supportive. We are happier than words can express to have our little man home!
To make a long story short, Izaih (with his new ability think clearly and communicate) told us of some awful things one of his teachers at school has been doing, and we decided that enough was enough. I quit my job, we pulled Izaih out of school, and now I'm a stay-at-home Mommy! I have loved every minute of it. The teacher, however, kept blowing up my cell (I think because he wanted to sweet talk me into not telling on him....too late moron), and here's where I have to brag on Mark. Mark, my sweet, gentle, nonconfrontational, pacifist-of-a-hubby went up to the school, pulled BJ out, and told him not to have any more contact with us. And he even managed to say it diplomatically and with a handshake! I'm so very proud of him.
Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us and to those who have been so supportive. We are happier than words can express to have our little man home!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Meds Update
My Sweet SweetIzaih has been doing some better since they have put him on meds. The psychiatrist has been wonderful and has really been taking our input. We have him on meds for ADHD, and are considering meds for mood stabilization. Not sure yet. We're starting at the bottom and working up, so they just increased his dosage for the third time. The less meds he has to take the better. He bawls his little eyes out every time we leave him. I don't know if I can take much more of this.
They still won't let us bring him home from the hospital. The social worker has been very diligent about making sure every effort will be taken to keep him 110% safe. The staff is being monitored closely to make sure they're doing their job with him. That is so sad to me. We just want our boy home. We are not taking everything well, obviously. We are happy for the support we have received, but discouraged by those who seem to think this is not such a big deal. I wish I could see only the positive and have a better attitude, but it is very hard with all that's going on. I'm reminded of a topic I blogged about a while back about things only being taken seriously when it's something horrible inflicted on the body.
Anyways, to those of you who have been supportive during this agonizing ordeal, it means more to us that you will ever know.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Number Four
Can anyone guess the significance of the blog post title?
Today I got a call from a social worker at the hospital, and she said that Izaih was allegedly sexually abused again this morning by an adolescent patient. He was sleeping in the same room with the patient, and the staff apparently wasn't watching them while they were supposed to be sleeping. All I could do was cry. We have no fight left in us. The hospital hotlined themselves - AGAIN - and the social worker was very supportive. I told her about us pleading repeatedly with the staff about always watching Izaih and keeping him in a private room at night. We have been told over and over that he would be sleeping alone, so how this happened is beyond my comprehension.
I have the sweetest boss who just cried with me and let me go home. We were set on getting Izaih and yanking him out of that place. However, we are not his legal guardians (yet) and the caseworker can't have him released because then insurance wouldn't cover his stay. Plus, then the psychiatrist wouldn't sign off on giving him his meds, and we would be back to square one - actually worse. I feel like a zombie; I have no idea what to do. I feel so much anger, anguish, sadness, helplessness, etc. etc. etc. that my mind has kind of just shut down.
On top of that, one of Izaih's therapists at school has also communicated some concerns and suspicions with the teacher we have feared has been hitting Izaih and the other kids. Today the investigation started. No hotline yet! But why not add one more? I mean, we're already at four, so might as well just get them all out there! I wonder if this is a record with DFS. Am I in the twilight zone? Is this all for real?
PLEASE keep praying for us.
Today I got a call from a social worker at the hospital, and she said that Izaih was allegedly sexually abused again this morning by an adolescent patient. He was sleeping in the same room with the patient, and the staff apparently wasn't watching them while they were supposed to be sleeping. All I could do was cry. We have no fight left in us. The hospital hotlined themselves - AGAIN - and the social worker was very supportive. I told her about us pleading repeatedly with the staff about always watching Izaih and keeping him in a private room at night. We have been told over and over that he would be sleeping alone, so how this happened is beyond my comprehension.
I have the sweetest boss who just cried with me and let me go home. We were set on getting Izaih and yanking him out of that place. However, we are not his legal guardians (yet) and the caseworker can't have him released because then insurance wouldn't cover his stay. Plus, then the psychiatrist wouldn't sign off on giving him his meds, and we would be back to square one - actually worse. I feel like a zombie; I have no idea what to do. I feel so much anger, anguish, sadness, helplessness, etc. etc. etc. that my mind has kind of just shut down.
On top of that, one of Izaih's therapists at school has also communicated some concerns and suspicions with the teacher we have feared has been hitting Izaih and the other kids. Today the investigation started. No hotline yet! But why not add one more? I mean, we're already at four, so might as well just get them all out there! I wonder if this is a record with DFS. Am I in the twilight zone? Is this all for real?
PLEASE keep praying for us.
Monday, March 2, 2009
A Little Relief Please!!!!
Last night we found out there was an "incident" that occurred at the hospital, and they made a hotline call. They didn't inform us, though, until two days after it happened, even though we have been begging them to give us info, and keep trying to remind them not to ever leave him alone with anyone. I was so angry last night that I barely slept. I've never felt so helpless. THREE open abuse investigations right now. CURRENT ONES!!!!!!!!! All of which happened at places where we he was left to be kept safe. If anyone knows about kids being abused where it is least expected, it would be me. But even I am beginning to question our reality here. Why is this all happening? I want to keep him home with me for the next 14 years and never let him out of my sight again.
Today has been a better day. We saw him tonight, and he was doing so much better than he has been. He let me love on him, and he was being his funny little self! He kept wanting to share all his toys with all the other children in the room. He is very sensitive to people's feelings. I love that about him. We discovered tonight that one of Mark's old coworker/friend is the one doing some of the therapy with Izaih. It's so nice to have an ali, and someone we know we can trust.
On a different note, we ran into George Clooney at SubZero last night. What are the odds?
Today has been a better day. We saw him tonight, and he was doing so much better than he has been. He let me love on him, and he was being his funny little self! He kept wanting to share all his toys with all the other children in the room. He is very sensitive to people's feelings. I love that about him. We discovered tonight that one of Mark's old coworker/friend is the one doing some of the therapy with Izaih. It's so nice to have an ali, and someone we know we can trust.
On a different note, we ran into George Clooney at SubZero last night. What are the odds?
I Miss Izaih
I'm emotionally drained.
A lot of Izaih's behaviors were getting way out of control, and we were banging our heads into walls trying to get someone - ANYONE - to prescribe some meds for him!!! I know his behaviors were getting so out of control because of all the recent abuse and the memories of abuse that were stirred up. We finally had to have him hospitalized, and if I've ever used the phrase, "My heart just breaks..." before, I didn't know what I was saying. This KILLED us. I hate it with every fiber of my being, but we had no other options, and he really needed help that we could no longer give him.
We took him on Wednesday, and he cried his little eyes out, begging for us not to leave him. I'm not sure who cried more. Even the intake worker was crying with us! The whole reason we have not had him hospitalized yet is because I don't want him to think we are like every other person in his life, just abandoning and giving up on him.
We've gone and visited him every day, but we're only allowed to stay for an hour. We've been calling and calling. It's like pulling teeth to get anyone to tell us what he's doing during the day or even HOW he's doing. It's very frustrating. We keep trying to explain certain things to the nurses and social worker, but they actually say things and look at me like, what kind of a mother ARE you, leaving your 4 year old in a place like this?! I expect people to jump to those conclusions everywhere else, but not in a place where the professionals KNOW just how much some children need to be there. Every time we go, Izaih is so angry with me. It's like he's starting to distance himself again, and I hate it. He's been telling us to shut the f*** up and yelling a lot. I know I can't even begin to understand what he must be feeling. We tell him 5 times a day about all the fun things we will do together when he gets home, but I still don't think he believes us when we say he's coming home.
I kind of feel like I'm walking around in a fog. I don't really know what to do with myself, and we are miserable without him. I wish I could do something but mope and cry. So many emotions, so many emotions....Please please please please please pray for us.
A lot of Izaih's behaviors were getting way out of control, and we were banging our heads into walls trying to get someone - ANYONE - to prescribe some meds for him!!! I know his behaviors were getting so out of control because of all the recent abuse and the memories of abuse that were stirred up. We finally had to have him hospitalized, and if I've ever used the phrase, "My heart just breaks..." before, I didn't know what I was saying. This KILLED us. I hate it with every fiber of my being, but we had no other options, and he really needed help that we could no longer give him.
We took him on Wednesday, and he cried his little eyes out, begging for us not to leave him. I'm not sure who cried more. Even the intake worker was crying with us! The whole reason we have not had him hospitalized yet is because I don't want him to think we are like every other person in his life, just abandoning and giving up on him.
We've gone and visited him every day, but we're only allowed to stay for an hour. We've been calling and calling. It's like pulling teeth to get anyone to tell us what he's doing during the day or even HOW he's doing. It's very frustrating. We keep trying to explain certain things to the nurses and social worker, but they actually say things and look at me like, what kind of a mother ARE you, leaving your 4 year old in a place like this?! I expect people to jump to those conclusions everywhere else, but not in a place where the professionals KNOW just how much some children need to be there. Every time we go, Izaih is so angry with me. It's like he's starting to distance himself again, and I hate it. He's been telling us to shut the f*** up and yelling a lot. I know I can't even begin to understand what he must be feeling. We tell him 5 times a day about all the fun things we will do together when he gets home, but I still don't think he believes us when we say he's coming home.
I kind of feel like I'm walking around in a fog. I don't really know what to do with myself, and we are miserable without him. I wish I could do something but mope and cry. So many emotions, so many emotions....Please please please please please pray for us.
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