I Miss Izaih

I'm emotionally drained.

A lot of Izaih's behaviors were getting way out of control, and we were banging our heads into walls trying to get someone - ANYONE - to prescribe some meds for him!!! I know his behaviors were getting so out of control because of all the recent abuse and the memories of abuse that were stirred up. We finally had to have him hospitalized, and if I've ever used the phrase, "My heart just breaks..." before, I didn't know what I was saying. This KILLED us. I hate it with every fiber of my being, but we had no other options, and he really needed help that we could no longer give him.

We took him on Wednesday, and he cried his little eyes out, begging for us not to leave him. I'm not sure who cried more. Even the intake worker was crying with us! The whole reason we have not had him hospitalized yet is because I don't want him to think we are like every other person in his life, just abandoning and giving up on him.

We've gone and visited him every day, but we're only allowed to stay for an hour. We've been calling and calling. It's like pulling teeth to get anyone to tell us what he's doing during the day or even HOW he's doing. It's very frustrating. We keep trying to explain certain things to the nurses and social worker, but they actually say things and look at me like, what kind of a mother ARE you, leaving your 4 year old in a place like this?! I expect people to jump to those conclusions everywhere else, but not in a place where the professionals KNOW just how much some children need to be there. Every time we go, Izaih is so angry with me. It's like he's starting to distance himself again, and I hate it. He's been telling us to shut the f*** up and yelling a lot. I know I can't even begin to understand what he must be feeling. We tell him 5 times a day about all the fun things we will do together when he gets home, but I still don't think he believes us when we say he's coming home.

I kind of feel like I'm walking around in a fog. I don't really know what to do with myself, and we are miserable without him. I wish I could do something but mope and cry. So many emotions, so many emotions....Please please please please please pray for us.