*There have been several break-ins in our neighborhood in the past week. I just watched a man pushing a lawn mower down the alley. While I am a bit of a vigilante, it is getting tiring having to call the police constantly. In the [recent] past I would have chased him down. Now that I'm a mom, I don't feel quite as obligated to risk my life for someone's lawnmower. Tonight, however, I was tempted. A few months ago I had just had it with these two West County-looking guys about my age who keep meeting their dealer across the street from my house. I yelled at them from my door and interrogated them, gave them a piece of my mind, and then took their pictures on my phone. Yes, I am ballsy and a bit grouchy when my 16 year old has been purchasing drugs from some idiot in our neighborhood - maybe your drug dealer - and as a result he cannot live in my home. So no, I will not keep my opinions to myself when you are purchasing drugs within feet of my front door in broad daylight and you can't even do it discreetly. I have not seen them since.
*I think I have some sort of food allergies. I'm trying to get back on my strict Weight Watchers diet, cutting out all dark meats and dairy. When I do that, I feel great. When I don't, I feel confused, nauseous, and my brain feels funny. Is that from a food allergy?
*I'm finally starting to feel like I'm coming out of "The Fog". Words - mine and yours - are starting to make sense again instead of just getting jumbled in my head and making me feel crazy. It is still exhausting to try to learn to live without my dad, but I'm getting the hang of it. It's just that every relationship I have has changed, every event, holiday, belief, interest, thought, and experience has completely changed in the context of my dad not being here. It's hard to explain.
*Dina Lohan's interview on Dr. Phil was fascinating. Dr. Phil at his best.
*I'm slowly learning that having people in our home does not have to look a certain way. Sometimes we stop everything to watch "The Cosby Show". We fart out loud. It can be Mark telling three little boys who refuse to eat their dinner that he doesn't like the quiche, either. It can be letting friends scrounge for food, even after we've just fixed a nice dinner. Guests can clean up after themselves and do the dishes. I don't have to serve dessert. It's okay that the floors look filthy. My child argues with EVERY THING I SAY. There is always laundry on the family room couch that needs to be put away - always. That's real life. Welcome to the Fitzgerald's!
Friday, September 21, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
Izaiah's Grief
Izaiah has had several great days in a row. We had alone time together and he was kind and respectful. He played a very successful game of Monopoly with me this morning. This afternoon he even kissed me on the cheek! *SWOON*
On Friday night, Izaiah insisted on watching this movie on Netflix called The Fifth Quarter. It looked good, but sad. We watched it as a family, and boy was it! It was about a family whose teenage son was killed in a car accident and how they coped in the aftermath. In the middle of it, Izaiah just burst into tears and was sobbing, saying he didn't want to lose his daddy. Mark and I just held him and loved on him. This was not completely out of nowhere, since he has been preoccupied with people he loves dying since my dad died. I hate that he did not get to be with us for the Memorial Service. I'm glad he was spared from all the agony the rest of us experienced that week, but since he did not witness the process, he has no reference point for how to grieve. I can tell he is not sure whether to be sad, angry, confused, thankful, etc. He brings it up several times a day, but in ways that tell me he is confused. He will say, "It sure is gonna be hard without Papa," and sighs real big. Later he will say something like, "Papa is stupid," and seems to be mad at him. Some days he asks a ton of questions about Papa's new body, or if Papa is coming back. He has been talking about not wanting to lose his grandma.
So when he cried during this movie, I was somewhat thankful since it gave him an outlet to express his fears and confusing emotions about death. After we processed it together, something completely changed, and he has not been angry since. I want to have something for Izaiah that helps him to remember my dad and their special relationship. Izaiah adored my dad and he adored Izaiah. One of the last things my dad posted on his facebook wall was this:
"My profile pic is of me and my grandson whom I refer to at times as "Tornado" for a good reason. I
love storms!!"
I desperately don't want Izaiah to forget that bond. Thinking that he one day might makes me hyperventilate. I have one of my dad's favorite t-shirts for Izaiah. One of my mom's friends suggested making it into a pillowcase for his "snugglie" pillow. If anyone has any other ideas, let me know.
On Friday night, Izaiah insisted on watching this movie on Netflix called The Fifth Quarter. It looked good, but sad. We watched it as a family, and boy was it! It was about a family whose teenage son was killed in a car accident and how they coped in the aftermath. In the middle of it, Izaiah just burst into tears and was sobbing, saying he didn't want to lose his daddy. Mark and I just held him and loved on him. This was not completely out of nowhere, since he has been preoccupied with people he loves dying since my dad died. I hate that he did not get to be with us for the Memorial Service. I'm glad he was spared from all the agony the rest of us experienced that week, but since he did not witness the process, he has no reference point for how to grieve. I can tell he is not sure whether to be sad, angry, confused, thankful, etc. He brings it up several times a day, but in ways that tell me he is confused. He will say, "It sure is gonna be hard without Papa," and sighs real big. Later he will say something like, "Papa is stupid," and seems to be mad at him. Some days he asks a ton of questions about Papa's new body, or if Papa is coming back. He has been talking about not wanting to lose his grandma.
So when he cried during this movie, I was somewhat thankful since it gave him an outlet to express his fears and confusing emotions about death. After we processed it together, something completely changed, and he has not been angry since. I want to have something for Izaiah that helps him to remember my dad and their special relationship. Izaiah adored my dad and he adored Izaiah. One of the last things my dad posted on his facebook wall was this:
"My profile pic is of me and my grandson whom I refer to at times as "Tornado" for a good reason. I
love storms!!"
I desperately don't want Izaiah to forget that bond. Thinking that he one day might makes me hyperventilate. I have one of my dad's favorite t-shirts for Izaiah. One of my mom's friends suggested making it into a pillowcase for his "snugglie" pillow. If anyone has any other ideas, let me know.
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