A Heart for Papa

Tomorrow morning, my mom, Hannah, Jonathan, David, Mark, and I are traveling to Texas for a Spark of Life Retreat.  I don't know much of what to expect but it is a retreat for individuals experiencing heavy grief for the loss of a loved one.  Is it weird that I'm excited about it?  When I heard it was at a ranch, I almost opted out.  I am a bit of a lodging snob.  When I looked at the website, though, it looked absolutely beautiful.  I think we have all been looking at this weekend as the pinnacle of our grieving process, like a prerequisite to healing.  It will be interesting, as my siblings and I are grieving very differently than our mom.

Today would have been my parent's 31st wedding anniversary.  It's so hard.  I took off most of the day today and have been a bit of a weeping willow.  For whatever reason, it fascinates Izaiah when I cry.  He was so sweet today.  During a crying intermission, he came over to me and formed his hands into a heart shape.  He said, "This is a heart for Papa because I miss him . . . I have been praying that God would let me give him this heart.  He needs a new heart, Mom.  Can't I give it to him?"  He went on and on about how much he misses Papa and how much Papa misses him.  He seemed crushed when he heard that we won't see Papa again until we get to heaven. I just bawled.  He may try to fool us, but he is very sensitive little guy.

Here is his heart.

He has been really scared that one of us or his grandparents will die.  He doesn't quite know how to process it.  I hate that he wasn't there for the Memorial Service or any part of that week following Dad's death.  I can tell he has no frame of reference to go off of.  He has not gotten to see other people's grief modeled for him, and he didn't get to be a part of anything that would have brought him some closure.  He is struggling with knowing how to feel about it.  Every now and then he asks a question out of the blue.  He has GREAT questions.

"Since Papa gets a new body, does he get a kid body?"

"Is Mama G still married to Papa?"  And when we tried to answer this ("uhhm, yeeessss....?") he said,

"But that's not okay because a kid is not supposed to be married to a grown up".  Extremely valid point, Izaiah.

I'm so glad that child is mine! :)