SAD

Blogging about my dad is something I know I have to do.  I don't particularly like it, but writing is cathartic for me, so no sense in fighting it.  I spent the first month after my dad died still in such shock.  I was just trying to get through each hour, each minute.  I kept myself extremely busy.  I took a day off work to grieve. Seriously.  How dumb, but I did it.  Absolutely no grieving occurred on that day and i was pissed!  I wanted to be able to schedule it so it didn't interfere with everything else.  When Izaiah left for the hospital, I felt like our world crumbled and I had no clue how to exist.  I had to put one foot in front of the other and refuse to think about it and refuse to talk about it.  When my dad died, a new pain began settling in which made Izaiah being gone seem like nothing.  Then when Dre left I thought I might just fall over dead from a broken heart.  I felt like I lost 3 of my 4 male loves (I love David and Jonathan too, just fyi).  Now I feel like I go back and forth between grieving one of the three throughout each day.  Mostly I'm grieving my dad, but then feel guilty that I'm not crying over Dre, so then guilt is added.  Once guilt is added about Dre, I begin to think of what a bad mom I am that both my boys are out of my home.  So this is the cycle that makes up my day.   

Recently I have become so SAD.  Not avoiding, not angry, not anything but pure sad.  I'm crying before I even know it and the tears don't stop.  This is new.  Anytime I cry, the tears stop eventually.  This time, though, I am slow to give in to tears because I know if I let myself cry I will not stop crying.  I feel like I have no sense of reality anymore.  I'm just in a cloudy reality.  I miss my boys.