You're No Good, You're No Good, You're No Good

Each year I get the biggest case of "birthday blues" that you have ever seen. I hate my birthday. A lot of significantly sucky things have happened on birthdays past, so I don't like to even acknowledge the day. This year, the night before my birthday, I got triggered by some past memories of abuse. That hasn't been happening for quite a while, so I was really taken off guard. I was a recluse all night and just wanted to drink away my sorrows (I didn't.) Well this is how Satan works in my life. Quite well. Every time. Gotta give him props. I wake up the next morning, and of course there's an ignorant comment from an antagonist in my life (why not, I mean, it IS my birthday), but that was nothing compared to what stared me in the face on my facebook account.

A friend request from my abuser. The one that the night before had haunted me so vividly.

The rest of the day was spent in sobering incapacitation. I couldn't do SQUAT. I was later distracted by birthday festivities (I had to for Izaih, lol) but 2 days later, I check Myspace. And he has resquested me as a friend, but with a message for me this time. BLOODY HELL!!!!!!!!!!! Again, incapacitated. All day. I wanted to numb my mind and self-medicate in any way I could get my hands on. If you are an abuse survivor, you understand this completely. If you are not, do not judge me.

Satan did this a year ago as well. I was getting to a really healthy place in my life where it pertained to my abuse. We went to dinner with one of my best friends, and he asked what had been going on with my anger. I finally spilled about some of the abuse that I had never had the guts to tell him, and it was a really great moment. I spoke of how God saved me from it all and really put amazing people and things in my life. How I was healing, and how good it felt. How I was learning to forgive and was finally feeling as if I was "moving on". It was so freeing to say all of that out loud. Amazing. Then we decided to go see a movie. As we crept into the back row, I had a moment of amazing happiness. Like chains were literally falling off of me. I remember smiling to myself because the happiness was so surreal and God's presence was so real. Then the person DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME in the row ahead turned his head.

It was one of my abusers. As tears of frustration and anger filled my eyes, I scanned my brain for what to do. I couldn't breathe, and I LOST it. I ran out of the theatre and was mortified. Satan was at it again, and as usual, his timing was perfect. I cried and cried the most sorrowful tears I've ever cried outside of that theatre. And then I had a thought. I was losing $8.50 because of this jerk (technically $17 - Mark was with me) and I really wanted to see this movie!!! I got angrier because Satan had won, and once again stripped me of all sense of security and happiness I had worked so hard to regain. So I stood up, marched right back into that theatre, and we sat in the very front row. Of course I bawled the whole 2 hours and barely remember a thing from the movie, but I regained some sliver of power that night.

Back to the myspace "friend" request abuser...I know it sounds funny, but I wanted to be his friend online. I wanted him to see my profile and see that he had not broken me. I wanted him to see what all I've done with my life, how strong it turns out I really am, and how much of an advocate I am now for others who have gone through similar things. I wanted him to see the error of his ways, apologize tearfully and sincerely, feel compelled to join me in my efforts of education, awareness, and advocacy of sexual assault, and us be best friends and write a book of what God can do with a situation as horrible as this. HAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!! Not gonna' happen. But I want that so badly it hurts. I want to forgive and love and let Christ live through me to restore what was taken from me.

For now, I have declined both friend requests and am working on not allowing myself to feel guilty for it. Not giving up, though, on hope that God can turn the most horrible things into something beautiful. Right now, though, I am not strong enough to combat any more emotional abuse from this guy. I've gone through enough with him and because of him. My whole family has suffered extensive consequences because of him. My dad lost his job partially because of this. My family got kicked out of our house and onto the streets because of this (thank God for family who would put us up). Long story, obviously. I digress. Please pray for my emotions and for healing for me and every other abuse survivor.