Another "Missing Dad" Post

I find myself going to my dad's facebook page at the end of most days; it's like a gravitational pull.  I'm always disappointed, but I'm not sure what I'm hoping to find there.  There were these months of crying each time I drove in the car by myself, sat at the computer by myself, or talked about him.  There has been disbelief, layer after layer of it, sadness, anger, joy, and bitterness.  I think right now, though, I am just stuck at Frustration.  I don't cry most days now, and the sting of his absence is less, but watching everything crumble around where he should still be standing is unbearable in a new way.  Oh, how much his wisdom is missed.

His gentleness, sincerity, his humor.

The way I believed - truly believed deep down in my bones - that I was safe with him near me.

Now it's just........gone.  The newness of his death has worn off of most people.  The company has gone home.  Long-lost friends who initially started calling to console are now distant again.  All the "first's" have passed: first birthday without him, first Christmas, first wedding anniversary, first Father's Day, first anniversary of his death.  It feels too soon for the "others" in life, i.e. coworkers, neighbors, friends, acquaintances, etc. to move on.  Uhh, hello!  Jeff Woods is still gone.  The world is still not normal and never will be again!  Everything has changed and it sucks.  This man is GONE!  How can you dare to laugh? Doesn't his life mean ANYTHING to you?!  

People now ask how I'm doing so nonchalantly, lacking the caution and sympathetic look they used to give when they asked me that question.  Sometimes I get so offended about that!  How am I doing? You know my dad's still dead, right?  What do you mean, how am I doing?

I miss our life.  I miss the way things made sense and how there was an order to the universe.  Arguing politics and religion was safe with my dad.  Everyone left with their tails a little ruffled but the next conversation was back to silly and comfortable as usual.  We all had our roles, we all knew when it was time to stop being ridiculous, to stop behaving badly, or start listening to our parents.  Now our roles have been thrown to the wind, and we're all trying to grasp at them.  It didn't make sense, it's constantly evolving, and there is nothing sturdy about them.  Security has been lost.  We're each left trying to grapple at how to navigate this life without him, both independently and as a family.  It's like shifting sand now, never stable for a second anymore.  As soon as things start to settle, a wave crashes and everything has changed again.  I sooo long for us to go back to how we used to be, when we knew our direction and didn't need to seek out fleeting and foolish illusions of happiness to sustain us.  I thought we were stronger than that, more solid.  I'm not recognizing our once-strong family anymore.  Part of me hopes that Dad can't see us from heaven because I think he would be so sad at what he sees.