Please please pray for wisdom for Mark and I as we try to figure out what is best for Izaiah. He has been getting increasingly aggressive and explosive, and we are struggling just to breath. There are no good options available to us. There are great resources, such as respite, mentors, therapy, inpatient treatment, residential programs, behavioral school, etc., but each of those things comes with a cost. For example, if we have Izaiah stay a weekend at a respite home - even a GOOD respite home - he feels abandoned and fearful that we do not really want him, and he acts out aggression for a week afterwards. Not to mention it takes several therapy sessions to once again make any seemingly small progress at convincing his bruised and battered little heart that his mommy and daddy can be trusted and adore him beyond words. If he attends behavioral school he has more staff who are trained to deal with his aggression and has therapeutic services going on all day. BUT his quantity and quality of education severely suffers, and he is re-exposed to violence from other kids on a daily basis. I become so weighed down with despair that I cannot provide the supports he really needs, that it feels impractical to even get out of bed. I feel like I'm failing at being a mom, both for him and Dre. I could cry all day if given the time to.
I'm so grateful for God's grace for me. I struggle with being depressed and having this high anxiety, but at the end of the day He provides a soft spot for me to land, and He is my comfort when there is no other comfort to be found. My "church issues" have been creeping back up, and I once again find myself in this place of anxiety, isolation, shame, heavy self-criticism, and feeling unworthy. Aren't I just a piece of work, geez! The enemy doesn't have to come up with new tricks to break me, because the same ones work on me over and over and over and over. Ugh, I want to tell the enemy to "Go to Hell!!!" but I think he likes it there. He's like a prowling lion, looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8). I'm glad that at the end of the day, God gets the last word, and His word is that I am His beloved. Some affirmations I am printing out for my office (aka cubicle):
I am chosen and beloved!
I will not be condemned by God.
I have been set free from the law of sin and death.
I have been accepted by Jesus.
In Christ Jesus, I have wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption.
I am a new creature in Christ.
I am no longer a slave!
I have been set free through Jesus!
I am chosen, holy, and blameless before God!
Because of God's mercy and love, I have been made alive with Christ!
