Izaiah is HOME!!!!!!!!!! We are sososososososososososo happy. Also sosososososososo scared. We had a big party for him, which was awesome! He has so many amazing people that love him. We are very blessed (and highly favored.......anyone?)
I'm okay with this blog becoming more grief related for a while. I'm deeply grieving, and this blog is a cathartic outlet for me. I'm sitting here in make-up for the first time in months. Today will be the test of its proclaiming waterproof abilities. Any time I thought of my dad before he died, just thought about him, it would make me tear up. I just loved him so much, so ridiculously much. Any moment I was away from him was hard for me. He was so much apart of me, and I loved him so much it hurt. I'm sitting here, trying to think of a way to describe that, but I really can't.
Many, many interesting posts coming up, if I do say so. Love you all!
Friday, August 24, 2012
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Spark of Life
I have no idea what to tell first. Spark of Life was one of the most amazing things I have ever done in my life. There is so much to tell, so much that I still need to process.
The retreat was held on this adorable ranch in Texas. It was so beautiful, surrounded by ponds and grassy fields. I never knew Texas was pretty! The place we stayed was called Selah Ranch. It was like a really big Bed and Breakfast. Each room was decorated very uniquely, and it was such a homey, yet upscale environment. Every detail of the place was well thought out and meaningful, from the art on the walls, the amazing meals, Tempurpedic mattresses, endless glasses of homemade iced tea, and huge gift baskets in our rooms. There was a large flat screen TV in every room, but you would have hardly noticed it, nor would you ever need it. There were cottages separate from the main house. The place was surrounded by grassy fields, huge oak trees, and I counted 8 large ponds. Every nook and cranny was decorated or had such thoughtful detail. There were several gardens. You could walk the property and find benches, tree swings, chairs, etc. all over the property. They had plenty of golf carts that you could just head out with whenever you felt like it. There was something so peaceful about riding that golf cart down the long, paved, tree lined road that led to and from Selah.
There were 17 participants, plus four group leaders. We did a lot of time together as a group, learning and processing our losses. I don't want to say too much about it because I want others to go and get just as much out of it as I did. I will say that we were pampered to the point of disbelief. We broke out into groups of three a lot during the weekend, and those were the people whose stories you really got to know. Some people were there because of the death of a child, parent, friend, partner, or even a loss that did not include death. We had homework each night, and it was so meaningful. It was not faith based, but had a lot of spiritual components. No discrimination, religious guilt, or self righteousness, even though one of the leaders is a pastor. Anyone of any faith could attend this and find it to be so healing. There were several components that they taught were necessary in order to get out of the "pit" of your grief. I realized that I have been dealing with my dad's death in a really healthy way, but there were still things that I needed to deal with. We all cried buckets throughout the weekend, and not just because of our own losses. We really got to know the others that were there, and the losses they endured. Such as baby Will, who died at two months old; Cowboy, who died at age 52 from a heart attack; or Max, who was killed in a car wreck two weeks before he started as a Freshman in college. It was hard to see others going through such raw pain, but also so cathartic. Everyone there just "got it". There were so many things that did not have to be explained.
David, Debbie, Rusty, and Nancy were the leaders of the group. David and Debbie started the organization a few years ago after losing their infant grandson. One of the losses they worked through this retreat, though, was the loss associated to their son being sexually abused. Their son is now an adult, but when David was a minister at a church in another state, his son was abused by someone in the church, and it occurred AT the church building. They did not find out until years later, after their son confessed that he was struggling with his sexuality and thought he was a homosexual. He got into therapy for the sexual abuse and worked through a lot of things, one of them being his sexuality. After years of therapy he realized that he was not a homosexual, but had been made to feel that way since his abuser was a male, the abuse was pleasurable, and he did not try to stop it from happening. The son later went on to get married, which he never thought he would do. He and his wife were expecting a baby, but the baby died 7 minutes after he was born. This caused many layers of grief, partially because the son and family never thought he would biologically have his own children. To feel like they had come so far with their wounds from the sexual abuse, and then to have this child, the one they never thought would exist, be taken from them felt very unfair. That's when they decided to celebrate his life by helping others cope with their losses, thus Spark of Life was born.
My family and I, as most everyone else there also indicated, gained so much meaning and healing from the weekend that I would dare call it profound. I feel like I got to a better place with my relationship with my dad. I think it was good for Mark to be given the space to grieve, too. My dad was also very much his dad ("Pops"), and they were very close. It was one of the greatest joys in my life, seeing my dad teach Mark how to love me better, and seeing them so eager and excited to spend time together. My dad was so proud that I married Mark, and so proud to call him his son-in-law. They are so much alike. My dad would have loved it there. He gradually became more "country" as the years went by. I miss him so terribly much.
I am including the link for the Selah Ranch. When you click on it, the picture on that page is of our room. I am not kidding, I am totally suggesting that our friends come spend a long weekend with us there. It is the perfect place for solitude, a family reunion, or any kind of retreat. It is heaven on earth! Especially in October, I bet! They are still trying to decide if they will have the next retreat there or elsewhere. I hope they keep it there because it was the perfect setting!
The awesome news is that the retreat is completely free for participants, which includes, meals, lodging, and everything included. You just have to pay for your own transportation expenses. They do a lot of fundraising to make sure each participant is able to attend without the financial burden they might normally bring with them. So cool!
http://www.selahranch.com/room-promise.html
The retreat was held on this adorable ranch in Texas. It was so beautiful, surrounded by ponds and grassy fields. I never knew Texas was pretty! The place we stayed was called Selah Ranch. It was like a really big Bed and Breakfast. Each room was decorated very uniquely, and it was such a homey, yet upscale environment. Every detail of the place was well thought out and meaningful, from the art on the walls, the amazing meals, Tempurpedic mattresses, endless glasses of homemade iced tea, and huge gift baskets in our rooms. There was a large flat screen TV in every room, but you would have hardly noticed it, nor would you ever need it. There were cottages separate from the main house. The place was surrounded by grassy fields, huge oak trees, and I counted 8 large ponds. Every nook and cranny was decorated or had such thoughtful detail. There were several gardens. You could walk the property and find benches, tree swings, chairs, etc. all over the property. They had plenty of golf carts that you could just head out with whenever you felt like it. There was something so peaceful about riding that golf cart down the long, paved, tree lined road that led to and from Selah.
There were 17 participants, plus four group leaders. We did a lot of time together as a group, learning and processing our losses. I don't want to say too much about it because I want others to go and get just as much out of it as I did. I will say that we were pampered to the point of disbelief. We broke out into groups of three a lot during the weekend, and those were the people whose stories you really got to know. Some people were there because of the death of a child, parent, friend, partner, or even a loss that did not include death. We had homework each night, and it was so meaningful. It was not faith based, but had a lot of spiritual components. No discrimination, religious guilt, or self righteousness, even though one of the leaders is a pastor. Anyone of any faith could attend this and find it to be so healing. There were several components that they taught were necessary in order to get out of the "pit" of your grief. I realized that I have been dealing with my dad's death in a really healthy way, but there were still things that I needed to deal with. We all cried buckets throughout the weekend, and not just because of our own losses. We really got to know the others that were there, and the losses they endured. Such as baby Will, who died at two months old; Cowboy, who died at age 52 from a heart attack; or Max, who was killed in a car wreck two weeks before he started as a Freshman in college. It was hard to see others going through such raw pain, but also so cathartic. Everyone there just "got it". There were so many things that did not have to be explained.
David, Debbie, Rusty, and Nancy were the leaders of the group. David and Debbie started the organization a few years ago after losing their infant grandson. One of the losses they worked through this retreat, though, was the loss associated to their son being sexually abused. Their son is now an adult, but when David was a minister at a church in another state, his son was abused by someone in the church, and it occurred AT the church building. They did not find out until years later, after their son confessed that he was struggling with his sexuality and thought he was a homosexual. He got into therapy for the sexual abuse and worked through a lot of things, one of them being his sexuality. After years of therapy he realized that he was not a homosexual, but had been made to feel that way since his abuser was a male, the abuse was pleasurable, and he did not try to stop it from happening. The son later went on to get married, which he never thought he would do. He and his wife were expecting a baby, but the baby died 7 minutes after he was born. This caused many layers of grief, partially because the son and family never thought he would biologically have his own children. To feel like they had come so far with their wounds from the sexual abuse, and then to have this child, the one they never thought would exist, be taken from them felt very unfair. That's when they decided to celebrate his life by helping others cope with their losses, thus Spark of Life was born.
My family and I, as most everyone else there also indicated, gained so much meaning and healing from the weekend that I would dare call it profound. I feel like I got to a better place with my relationship with my dad. I think it was good for Mark to be given the space to grieve, too. My dad was also very much his dad ("Pops"), and they were very close. It was one of the greatest joys in my life, seeing my dad teach Mark how to love me better, and seeing them so eager and excited to spend time together. My dad was so proud that I married Mark, and so proud to call him his son-in-law. They are so much alike. My dad would have loved it there. He gradually became more "country" as the years went by. I miss him so terribly much.
I am including the link for the Selah Ranch. When you click on it, the picture on that page is of our room. I am not kidding, I am totally suggesting that our friends come spend a long weekend with us there. It is the perfect place for solitude, a family reunion, or any kind of retreat. It is heaven on earth! Especially in October, I bet! They are still trying to decide if they will have the next retreat there or elsewhere. I hope they keep it there because it was the perfect setting!
The awesome news is that the retreat is completely free for participants, which includes, meals, lodging, and everything included. You just have to pay for your own transportation expenses. They do a lot of fundraising to make sure each participant is able to attend without the financial burden they might normally bring with them. So cool!
http://www.selahranch.com/room-promise.html
Thursday, August 9, 2012
A Heart for Papa
Tomorrow morning, my mom, Hannah, Jonathan, David, Mark, and I are traveling to Texas for a Spark of Life Retreat. I don't know much of what to expect but it is a retreat for individuals experiencing heavy grief for the loss of a loved one. Is it weird that I'm excited about it? When I heard it was at a ranch, I almost opted out. I am a bit of a lodging snob. When I looked at the website, though, it looked absolutely beautiful. I think we have all been looking at this weekend as the pinnacle of our grieving process, like a prerequisite to healing. It will be interesting, as my siblings and I are grieving very differently than our mom.
Today would have been my parent's 31st wedding anniversary. It's so hard. I took off most of the day today and have been a bit of a weeping willow. For whatever reason, it fascinates Izaiah when I cry. He was so sweet today. During a crying intermission, he came over to me and formed his hands into a heart shape. He said, "This is a heart for Papa because I miss him . . . I have been praying that God would let me give him this heart. He needs a new heart, Mom. Can't I give it to him?" He went on and on about how much he misses Papa and how much Papa misses him. He seemed crushed when he heard that we won't see Papa again until we get to heaven. I just bawled. He may try to fool us, but he is very sensitive little guy.
Here is his heart.
He has been really scared that one of us or his grandparents will die. He doesn't quite know how to process it. I hate that he wasn't there for the Memorial Service or any part of that week following Dad's death. I can tell he has no frame of reference to go off of. He has not gotten to see other people's grief modeled for him, and he didn't get to be a part of anything that would have brought him some closure. He is struggling with knowing how to feel about it. Every now and then he asks a question out of the blue. He has GREAT questions.
"Since Papa gets a new body, does he get a kid body?"
"Is Mama G still married to Papa?" And when we tried to answer this ("uhhm, yeeessss....?") he said,
"But that's not okay because a kid is not supposed to be married to a grown up". Extremely valid point, Izaiah.
I'm so glad that child is mine! :)
Today would have been my parent's 31st wedding anniversary. It's so hard. I took off most of the day today and have been a bit of a weeping willow. For whatever reason, it fascinates Izaiah when I cry. He was so sweet today. During a crying intermission, he came over to me and formed his hands into a heart shape. He said, "This is a heart for Papa because I miss him . . . I have been praying that God would let me give him this heart. He needs a new heart, Mom. Can't I give it to him?" He went on and on about how much he misses Papa and how much Papa misses him. He seemed crushed when he heard that we won't see Papa again until we get to heaven. I just bawled. He may try to fool us, but he is very sensitive little guy.
Here is his heart.
He has been really scared that one of us or his grandparents will die. He doesn't quite know how to process it. I hate that he wasn't there for the Memorial Service or any part of that week following Dad's death. I can tell he has no frame of reference to go off of. He has not gotten to see other people's grief modeled for him, and he didn't get to be a part of anything that would have brought him some closure. He is struggling with knowing how to feel about it. Every now and then he asks a question out of the blue. He has GREAT questions.
"Since Papa gets a new body, does he get a kid body?"
"Is Mama G still married to Papa?" And when we tried to answer this ("uhhm, yeeessss....?") he said,
"But that's not okay because a kid is not supposed to be married to a grown up". Extremely valid point, Izaiah.
I'm so glad that child is mine! :)
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Eat More Chicken
This post has absolutely nothing to do with my opinion on homosexuality. My opinion doesn't matter anyways. But I do have an opinion on the whole Chik-fil-A controversy and it's very very simple. I am always concerned with the social justice issues of today. If someone is being unfairly treated, not okay. If someone is being discriminated against, not okay. If someone's American rights are being violated, I'm usually not okay with that either (not that I believe being American should grant you any more rights than anyone else in this world).
That being said, I can't tell you how many times I have jumped on a bandwagon to boycott something or someone because I don't think it is right. Proctor and Gamble, Kobe Bryant, K-Mart, Wal-Mart, Samsung, Sony, Hooters, Westborough Baptist Church. But I think there is a difference in boycotting something because a company financially supports a cause you don't like vs. the owner of the company having an opinion that you don't like. If the CEO of Old Navy thought we should have public hangings, whatever. But if the CEO of Old Navy used my money to actively pursue the act of public hangings, then I might have an issue. I don't agree with most of my friends' opinions on everything. I'm not sure that Mark and I even agree on all social justice issues. I'm not going to divorce him for it, though. That would be stupid.
Some points to consider:
1. CEO Dan Cathy did not seek out the cause, nor did he organize a rally about his beliefs. He gave an opinion when asked.
2. He has not said anything out of hate (or if he has it has not been obvious to me) but out of his own religious beliefs. Not that things can't be hateful if it's centered around religion, because they very much can. However, I did not hear any "GOD HATES FAGS" anywhere in his statement.
3. When anyone expresses support of gay marriage or homosexuality in general, those against that idea seem to always be labeled as spreading hate and discrimination. So couldn't the same be said about those who are actively banning and starting stuff with Chick-fil-a?
They are spreading and perpetuating hate due to ONE MAN'S OPINION! It just seems so ridiculous and silly. Here's my boy, Antoine's, opinion on the issue:
I love him. Here is my opinion that does not matter whatsoever, because people are too interested in arguing and being right and blaming blaming blaming. (Sometimes I am that person and am the biggest hypocrite of all, just so you know).
Why can't we come together and not worry about opinions? Worry about loving your neighbor who you do not agree with. Even if you consider homosexuality to be a sin, so is lying, gossiping, and saying mean things. No one ever converted anyone by winning an argument. Plus, I can think of much bigger things to argue about. Many of our electronics manufacturers in Mexico are part of a horrible organized crime that assist and at the very LEAST turn their heads at luring, abducting, and murdering young women from small Mexican villages so they can sell their organs on the Black Market. Let's put some energy into that. Or maybe into the fact that St. Louis is one of the cities with the largest population of human trafficking victims. Just my opinion, but I find that to be a little bit more important than arguing over whom one should kiss.
Peace, Love, and Chocolate.
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