Anyways, so we went to this church a few months back. We had been there several times a few years ago and really liked it. I, however, was not in a good place at the time, and as much as I wanted to find a church family, I also wanted to distance myself from anything that could hurt me. I had emailed with the pastor about his thoughts on sexual abuse and the church, and how their church prevents that from happening, yada yada. It probably was not a particularly nice exchange of emails, as I was going through an irrational time in my life. This church ended up moving locations and was now pretty close to us. My New Year's Resolution was to find a church, so off we went.
The sermon (which I would normally care very little about) spoke straight to me. I honestly don't even remember what was said, just that it felt as if God was speaking directly to me. The worship was awesome, and Mark and I both felt the Holy Spirit in that place, which is a rare occurrence these days. They were talking about small groups, and everyone was signing up for one that day. I flipped through the bulletin (is there a more modern name for this nowadays?) and saw that there was a small group meeting in our neighborhood. It's a sign! So before I could change my mind, I rushed over to the information table to get more information. As I looked at the sign-up sheet for the small group in our neighborhood, I saw that it was being held in a home on our street, one block over. AND there was childcare provided.
Okay, now I knew it was a sign. I was so excited, so I started signing us up. There was a man behind the table and he asked what I was doing. I was so smiley and excited and I said, ''I'm signing up for a group!"
"I see that. But you are putting several names on one line."
"Yeah, I'm putting my family's names down, too."
"But you can't do that. There is not enough room. You cannot save spaces for other people. This is a popular group and it is almost full."
"Well I am putting my husband and kids' names down. Can't I do that?"
"You would need to put one name per line. How many of you are there."
"Four. Me, my husband, and two boys."
"Ma'am, there are only three spots left. I'm sorry, but this group is full."
"So I can't sign up even though my boys will technically not be part of the group?"
"Look, you need to erase your name and start over."
This man was getting so frustrated with me, and I couldn't understand why. I scratched out our names, and he got even more frustrated. Now lets back up. It took all the guts I could muster just to walk into this building and stay through the entire thing, then to come over and try to sign up for a group, and now I am getting the third degree from you because why?!
So I politely said, "Nevermind. Thank you for your help," and walked away while he continued to call after me, still frustrated. I spotted the boys and grabbed them to make a beeline for the exit. Then...
"Hey, do I know you guys?"
Crap. It's the pastor himself.
First time here, Mark tells him.
"Except for when we came several times 5 years ago." I just had to open my big mouth. "I emailed you a bunch back then."
"Oh. Um, okay. Well, I get a lot of emails."
"It was about sexual abuse. In the church. Pretty messed up." This is why I am supposed to keep my mouth shut when we check out churches. I sound like a freak.
"Okay. Ummm..."
"I was probably pretty rude. I don't remember. Bad time in my life. Sorry about that. Anyways..."
And then the pastor proceeded to refer me to a counselor who he thought I could probably really benefit from seeing. No kidding.
So the next day, the pastor calls me unexpectedly and awkwardly tells me that some people were upset about a possible misunderstanding at the small group booth yesterday. He said that we can join the group, and it is actually the one he is leading. Not to mention, the man behind the booth was his FATHER!!! I apologized and tried to explain why I changed my mind about joining the group, but of course it came out weird and at one point I blurted something about being pretty messed up. WHAT?! After some awkward silence, the pastor tells me he should probably just call my husband and talk to him. For the love, has this ever happened to you? I felt like the guy from Meet the Parents, where he just keeps saying the wrong thing. I'm really not as weird as I sound sometimes, just awkward.
We have been going to the church for several weeks now. Izaiah really likes it, and the teachers that work with him in children's church have been really great. Mark has given me the lecture about not building up my walls, so I'm trying reeeaallly hard. I will blog about updates. It is a very interesting experience, finding a church. I turn into this weird, awkward, hardened person at church. I hate it. We are not looking for religion, or a place that thinks like us, looks like us, or places any emphasis on wealth, healthy, prosperity, or hell, fire, and brimstone. We ARE, however, looking for a place where we can live in community with others and do life together. We want to find people who are authentic, and who we can be vulnerable with, and who love Jesus and not religion. Hopefully we have found it. We're not looking for perfect. We're looking for Real.
Pray for our journey to finding the right place for us. We have friends we do "church" with (for when two or more are gathered in His name...) but would really like to connect on a deeper level with those who are seeking God's heart. We want our boys to have good role models that exist outside of my family. We are desperate for a safe place for them, and for us.
I keep listening to this song, and the words stick out so boldly to me....
And though my innocence was taken
not everything is lost,
not eveything is lost.
Your love is enough to light up the darkness
It's Your love, Your love
All I ever needed is Your love
I'm so ready to live like I believed this were true. Breaking down the walls, boldly stepping into the light unafraid,
Moving forward....
