Saturday, January 8, 2011
Too Much Thinking!
I'm up late and struggling with forgiveness. This is nothing new. I have come so far with it, and yet feel like I have millions of miles to go. I badly wish not to be hypocritical or inauthentic, yet try as I might I cannot get over things of the past like it seems everyone else in this world can. It's this heavy set of bricks on my chest, and currently the bricks are wet.
Fear. I try so hard to elude it. Fear controls my life if I let it. I really don't want to let it. How do you keep yourself and your family safe from potential pain or harm if you fully forgive, and forgive without another's repentance?
I try to remember that people were horrible to Jesus, too. Horrible. Mean, selfish, unforgiving. Liars. Jesus's mission was not to expose them, as mine would have been. He loved them regardless. He was not consumed when people spoke hateful things about him, when he suffered the consequences of others' untruth. Believe it or not, I try soooooooo hard to model that, and am very sadly unsuccessful most times. I would like to get to a place where I am content in not making everyone aware of the pain I have seen and experienced. It is just this huge sense of responsibility to justice that I feel. I feel that if I do not use my experiences for change, in whatever form, the experience is worthless, and I am a victim. I am learning how to live happily despite constant reminders of nightmares I have lived through. What a journey! Bear with me. I, too, am imperfect, just trying to find my way to God's heart.
Fear. I try so hard to elude it. Fear controls my life if I let it. I really don't want to let it. How do you keep yourself and your family safe from potential pain or harm if you fully forgive, and forgive without another's repentance?
I try to remember that people were horrible to Jesus, too. Horrible. Mean, selfish, unforgiving. Liars. Jesus's mission was not to expose them, as mine would have been. He loved them regardless. He was not consumed when people spoke hateful things about him, when he suffered the consequences of others' untruth. Believe it or not, I try soooooooo hard to model that, and am very sadly unsuccessful most times. I would like to get to a place where I am content in not making everyone aware of the pain I have seen and experienced. It is just this huge sense of responsibility to justice that I feel. I feel that if I do not use my experiences for change, in whatever form, the experience is worthless, and I am a victim. I am learning how to live happily despite constant reminders of nightmares I have lived through. What a journey! Bear with me. I, too, am imperfect, just trying to find my way to God's heart.
Christmas
We spent Christmas in Arkansas spending time with my family. Izaiah had a blast, as did Dre! We did a whole lot of nothing, which is very nice, I must admit. Ezra stayed for an extended visit. She and Izaiah are not meshing well, and we need a break!
I am going back on my diet, and will surely amaze you with how much I whittle down these next months. I lost 35 pounds last year, and am determined to lose another 20. It wasn't that hard the first time, so I don't expect it to be this time, either. Mark promised that if I make it to my goal weight, he will take me on a lavish vacation. Sweet! Right now New York is topping my list. If we weren't already so settled, we would move to the east coast in a heartbeat.
I would like to share an excerpt from a book I have been reading. It fits with my view of Jesus:
He was like nothing anyone had ever seen.
Among a people that smugly shunned
the sick and ill,
Jesus stopped,
looked beggars in the eyes,
touched lepers,
and brought dignity to the helpless and alone.
Jesus walked..
Jesus was a man with dirty feet.
As Jesus led his twelve closest followers
they would walk along the dirt roads together.
They went to parties together.
They ate meals together.
They worked together.
Jesus walked as a human among humans,
brushed elbows with politicians and outcasts,
went to parties with
sinners and criminals,
and embraced as his own family
those he met on the street.
Jesus floated on no pristine clouds.
Jesus was no aloof elitist.
Jesus was no odd hermit.
He preferred the world of
dirt and friends and handshakes.
He embraced this relational life on earth
more passionately than anyone ever had.
I am going back on my diet, and will surely amaze you with how much I whittle down these next months. I lost 35 pounds last year, and am determined to lose another 20. It wasn't that hard the first time, so I don't expect it to be this time, either. Mark promised that if I make it to my goal weight, he will take me on a lavish vacation. Sweet! Right now New York is topping my list. If we weren't already so settled, we would move to the east coast in a heartbeat.
I would like to share an excerpt from a book I have been reading. It fits with my view of Jesus:
He was like nothing anyone had ever seen.
Among a people that smugly shunned
the sick and ill,
Jesus stopped,
looked beggars in the eyes,
touched lepers,
and brought dignity to the helpless and alone.
Jesus walked..
Jesus was a man with dirty feet.
As Jesus led his twelve closest followers
they would walk along the dirt roads together.
They went to parties together.
They ate meals together.
They worked together.
Jesus walked as a human among humans,
brushed elbows with politicians and outcasts,
went to parties with
sinners and criminals,
and embraced as his own family
those he met on the street.
Jesus floated on no pristine clouds.
Jesus was no aloof elitist.
Jesus was no odd hermit.
He preferred the world of
dirt and friends and handshakes.
He embraced this relational life on earth
more passionately than anyone ever had.
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